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5 Things I wish I knew before navigating dating and hook-up culture as a trans man

5 Things I wish I knew before navigating dating and hook-up culture as a trans man

von Parker Chase In Spectrum Spotlight

Entering the dating world is a challenge in itself, best believe I have been on a few dating apps myself and have chickened out a week in 80-90% of the time. Dating is hard. Constantly wondering whether your texts are interesting enough, getting unwanted advice from friends and family who state they have it all figured out (but are on their 3rd partner for the year), and then when you finally think you’ve found someone compatible - you get ghosted. Now after all of this hardship, adding the trans card on top of that can seem like you may as well just give up. But don’t worry, I have taken the brunt of this pain for you all and after my years of casual dating as a gay trans man, I have managed to compile 5 things that if I knew at the beginning of all this, maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard to navigate.  

 

 

 

  1. You are not the downgrade by being trans. 

I want this to firmly stick in any trans person's mind who is reading this, including my own. It’s funny, and quite frankly insane, the number of times I have allowed certain behaviour to pass because I felt lucky to be picked by a cisgender guy. Whether that’s to go out on a date, have a conversation, or to spend a casual night with. The thought of not being ‘manly’ enough, fuelled how I allowed potential interests to treat me. And even though I try my best to not do this anymore, it is easy to see why so many trans people end up falling into this trap. 

 

An overly flirty demeanour with compliments being pushed left, right and centre to boost your self-esteem, can smoothly hide the awkward comments made every so often. ‘So . . . what’s in your pants?’, ‘You don’t look trans’ and my personal favourite after a night out, ‘You’re like the best of both worlds’. For others with a different gender expression, this could be a compliment but for me this definitely isn’t and has really knocked my confidence in the past. It’s easy to brush these comments off and continue, but it shouldn’t be.  

 

Accepting that this is the best you can get from dating will only fuel your own negative self-talk. And believe me, you’ll only feel worse off the morning after. If you feel like the person you’re talking to sees you as the ‘downgrade’ or the ‘last resort’ by being trans, then put bluntly, that is not your person. Staying in that situation in fear of being alone will not bring you the happiness that you deserve from love.  

 

  1. If someone has an issue with your gender identity, that is on them. Not you. 

How we choose to express our gender identity will influence how people view and treat us. This can be said for dating as well as daily life. I’ve been on testosterone for around 3 ½ years now and dress relatively masculinely. Due to this I have heard the phrase ‘You don't look trans’ a few times here and there.  

 

While I understand that this is meant to be a compliment and the majority of people who say this do not hold any ill will, it pushes forth a stereotype of what a trans person is supposed to look like, and reinforces the idea that just because I or someone else doesn’t ‘look transgender’, we are somehow more worthy of peoples respect. I felt pressure to only start dating when my transition was ‘completed’ due to this idea that I wasn’t yet ‘worthy’. And even though I am glad it indirectly gave me time to be focused on myself, I wish it wasn’t for that reasoning. Let's kick this off by saying transitioning isn’t a point A-B journey. For example, many trans people don’t want to take hormones as they feel comfortable and confident without them. Some take hormones but don’t feel like they need to undergo any surgical procedures or simply don’t have the funds to. And others undergo surgical procedures but don’t take hormones. Each trans person's transition is personal and unique to them, and wherever you are in your transition, you are allowed to date. 

 

If someone has a problem that you aren’t at a specific stage in your transition, or that you aren’t taking their version of the expected pathway, then that’s their problem not yours.  

 

  1. When do I come out to a potential date? 

The fear that comes alongside disclosing my identity to people is actually one of the main reasons I refrain from online dating. I found myself questioning whether I was ‘deceiving’ people and wondering whether if they knew who I ‘really was’ would they have even begun a conversation with me in the first place. In all honesty it's one of my biggest fears to this day, thus I don’t have a set answer to this question. But nevertheless, I have tried my best to compile my thoughts into a semi-readable state. 

 

There is no correct time to come out. Whether you are someone who likes to be open about your identity and let people know off the bat, or whether you prefer to go on 3 dates before opening up that side of yourself. Coming out to a love interest should always be on your own timeframe and terms. And if you ever feel like you are being pushed to disclose your identity by friends or family members, gently remind yourself, and them, that this is your life. 

 

Personally, I don’t want someone to be swayed or deterred simply due to the [Trans] tag in my dating bio. Yes, it is a part of my life, but I like to keep it private until I know whether I am genuinely interested in pursuing a person. However, if you are looking for a casual/one off situation, I would advise to disclose your gender identity before any intimacy takes place for your own safety as well as to bypass any awkwardness in the moment.  

 

  1. Become comfortable in who you are before putting yourself out there. 

Looking back, obsessing over the faults of my body may not have been the best self-love mantra, but when you are so busy thinking of the ‘future you’ who has everything the current you wants, it becomes common practice to criticise the person whose actively staring back in the mirror. When I found myself chasing the high of validation, I would download dating apps and soak up every positive comment. But this, sadly, does not fix the root problem. Even if I did manage to find someone incredible, the confidence I held within myself, and my identity, was severely lacking which would have caused strain on a relationship.  While experiencing growth within a relationship is completely possible and even to be expected, you also need to have a baseline acceptance and knowledge of who you are first.  

 

I know this idea is overly used and corny but liking who you are is important. Respecting who you are is important. As a trans person, you can find yourself on some weird dates or casual encounters where people view you less as a person and more as a fascination. Respecting yourself enough to know you don’t deserve that treatment is crucial, otherwise, you may just find yourself talking to a chaser. 

 

  1.  Beware of chasers. 

Firstly, what is a chaser? A chaser is an individual who is attracted to and seeks out romantic and/or sexual partners who are transgender. In this section I initially want to premise that people are allowed to have their preferences when dating. It is completely normal to lean towards a certain appearance or personality. For example, I often find myself drawn towards confident and driven individuals because I find those qualities to be attractive. However, there is a big distinction between being attracted to a person who happens to be transgender and actively seeking trans people out due to certain motivations. Luckily, I have never been knowingly involved with a chaser, but I can imagine finding out that you’ve only been seen as a bucket list item to be ticked off since day one is a pretty awful feeling.  

 

Now if you are solely looking for fun, personally I wouldn’t worry as much about this, purely for the fact that in this case both parties are, in short, ‘using’ each other for a common goal. And normally you understand each other's preferences from the start, not 3 months into a relationship... However, please use your own judgement to ensure you are safe! 

 

As we have reached the end of my rambling let me remind you that I am no relationship guru, I am simply a 20-year-old trans guy trying to give my community some advice that a younger version of me needed to hear but couldn’t find. If you take away anything from this, I hope that you recognise that just because you are trans doesn’t mean there is no hope of finding love or experimenting with people.  

 

General safety advice for using dating apps: 

  • Meet in a busy public place the first few times
  • Let your friends know where you will be or share your location with them
  • Don't tell your date where you live until you have got to know them
  • Make your own way to and from the date

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I am a 20-year-old trans man who’s been transitioning for the past 3 years, and as a former shy kid, confidence was often seen as something out of reach. The very thought of going up in front of a classroom to speak was... frankly put, a death wish to me. However, once all the puzzle pieces fell into place and the ‘Eureeka’ moment of knowing I was trans occurred, I began dressing and presenting in ways that made me feel glimpses of that joy and confidence I had been previously chasing. But, even with this, I continued to overanalyse my appearance and body to an extremely unhealthy extent.     The transition process for me, was a constant nit-pick of every detail of myself that I wish I had/didn't have. And this, surprisingly I know, completely shattered my confidence. But after 3 long years, I finally felt like I was in a place where I could begin to regain that confidence and sexuality. And thus, my pole journey began.      I would like to start off by saying that this decision to jump into pole dancing did not come about easily. In fact, it took me two years to finally pursue it seriously. So less like jumping in and more like slowly wading down the steps of a pool. If you are a trans person, then I am sure you understand the amount of time and money it takes to become comfortable in your own skin. So, the thought of putting that body which has caused me so much anxiety and pain on show to face all sorts of possible criticisms and judgements was, to say the least, terrifying. But that's exactly why I chose to do pole dancing.     Going outside of your comfort zone is arguably one of the best ways to grow and gain confidence as a person, so it's no surprise that it's literally one of the most stress-inducing things you can do. I remember having to give myself a pep talk in my car for 10 minutes before going into my first class so I wouldn’t just drive away. But in order to grow and gain confidence, it's a necessary thing. I knew that the level of hatred I felt for myself was not healthy, and having the added bonus of working at a company where we praise and preach for trans people to be proud of their identity, it made this feeling feel laughably ironic. But I’m pleased to say that now after four months of pole, I’ve truly never felt more confident in myself and my body. In fact, I moved out recently and made one of my top priorities to install a pole in my flat.    Taking the first step will always be the most challenging part of trying something new, the thought of failure or embarrassment can be overwhelming at times. But the rewards and self-discovery you can gain are priceless. It’s something that I will never stop recommending and pushing for people to do. In truth, starting this hobby also led me to realising all the restrictions I had forcibly put onto myself to fit into the ‘acceptable’ trans person category, which further caused my lack of confidence. One of these was forcing myself to reject femininity.     Now what is femininity? Stated by the reliable source known as Wikipedia, femininity is ‘a set of attributes, behaviours, and roles generally associated with women and girls.’ These can be influenced by both cultural and biological factors.     If you’ve had to deal with any negativity from family, friends or even strangers due to transitioning, one of the easiest ways to prove them wrong, I found, was to swear off anything which may cause concern of your seriousness. This includes anything feminine. For example; cutting your hair, wearing nothing colourful, hiding your figure, not wearing makeup etc. After dealing with these thoughts, I found myself being confined into a sphere of what I could and could not do in order to prove myself as worthy of basic respect and acknowledgement. However, this constant disregard of femininity can bring about an underlying hatred of anything feminine or even throwing prejudice against other trans people for embracing it themselves. And in recent times where trans people are being used as political pawns, respecting how others choose to embrace themselves within the community itself should be placed on high priority.    I’m not lying when I say simply wearing my attire to pole made me: 1) feel the most feminine I have in my life (even pre-transition) and, 2) made me feel the most confident I have ever felt in my life. To give you a rough idea, my pole attire is as follows: Tight shorts (basically underwear), a tank top and 9’’ heels. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I look magnificent. But the thing that took me most by surprise was the realisation that embracing femininity actually gave me confidence and a sense of security within myself rather than taking it away. I also got majorly lucky with who my classmates were.       To this day they have not asked once about how I choose to identify and have showed me respect and kindness regardless -even when my obvious lack of parts are on show. I distinctly remember getting into my car after class and releasing the biggest sigh of relief. The last thing I would want is for others to be uncomfortable with my presence. This thought process was actually one of the other primary reasons for the big two year delay.    I had many people tell me the following: People won’t notice that your body is ‘different’ / people won’t care. However, people will judge you, that is a fact. We all pass judgement on strangers that we see whether that be positive or negative. However, I believe having confidence comes from recognising that people will pass judgement on you but choosing to try regardless. It isn’t about not caring what other people think, it is rather caring about the right people.     Let’s start off by saying that this is MUCH easier said than done. There is no timeline for gaining confidence and understanding your worth. Although it would be lovely to wake up one day spiritually enlightened, unfortunately it's a lifelong journey.     We as people have a deeply human desire to fit in. So, to go against an expected path and instead pursue what makes you happy becomes somewhat challenging. And let's be honest, being transgender is basically like putting a bulldozer on that pathway, watching it be destroyed, and then having to rebuild it brick by brick with other people watching and waiting for you to screw up. But keep in mind, the beauty of it is that you can re-build that pathway however you want.     I found there to be so much pressure to be the ‘acceptable’ trans man that I became a shell of myself in constant worry of other people’s perceptions of me. I lived like this for years, and to be frank, it was exhausting. To put so much time and energy into caring about people who don’t even know you, can cause you to lose focus on the people who do matter and on yourself.    I have a very small selection of people who I truly love and care for. They have continuously been there for me throughout my life, push me to be the best version of myself, and are people I admire and learn from. If you have people like this around you, to help relieve the worry of strangers I am going to suggest the most basic advice. Talk to them and listen. And I mean actively listen to them and take what they say onboard. Recognise that these people in your life should be the only people's opinions that you take seriously. The person that shouted a slur at you on the street doesn’t know who you are, they took the bare minimum information that they could gather from your attire/physique/attraction and formed a version of you that doesn’t exist. Their opinion on you does not dictate your worth and never will. You are the only one with the power to do that.     I was terrified to walk into that first pole class, it felt like a massive step, but after the first time it gradually got easier and easier until I felt no fear. My confidence grew each time, and with that, so did the trust I had within myself rather than a few opinions of strangers.    Regaining confidence within yourself is not an easy task, it takes persistence and action. It doesn’t matter how big the first step is, so please don’t feel like you need to start pole dancing to gain confidence! Everyone is different and what might work for me may not work for you. It only matters that you take the step. Whether that be wearing something that you have always wanted to but have been too afraid, joining a club, or getting into therapy. Take the step. And hey, you may find that it doesn’t work but then take that as a learning experience and try something else. Don’t give up on yourself, we are all worthy of the love that resides within us. 

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